I don't know how to thank you.

Today is Veteran's Day.

I have no clue what to say. You have been there. You have seen things. People say, "Thank you for your service", or even a simple, "Thank you." I cannot imagine what flashes through your mind. Do you go back to that place? Do you go back to a certain day, a certain time, a certain moment? Do you see your buddy in your mind, forever 20 years old? Does your mind race, or does it go blank as it attempts to protect you from painful images?

I want to thank you, but I don't have the words. I want to thank you, but I do not want to cause pain. I want to thank you, but I simply do not know and will never understand the depth of what I am thanking you for.

You see, I grew up in a military town. I vowed to never marry someone in the military, and then, I found myself vowing my life and commitment to a man in his dress blues. I vowed to follow him wherever the army sent us, and I vowed to put my career on hold for the needs of our country. Sometimes, I feel I have sacrificed much, but that is such a selfish thought. Sometimes, I am jealous that my husband gets to do a job he loves and make an impact in the world. Sometimes, I wish we could settle down somewhere and be "normal". Sometimes, I wish I could trade places with him for a day just so he could see how hard I have it. And, yes, staying home raising two young boys IS hard. (At the same time, let's be honest, I'd fall out during PT.) I remind myself how blessed I am to be able to stay home with two healthy children. I remind myself how blessed I am to be able to see certain parts of the world. And, here, today, I remind myself that I am truly sacrificing very little. (This may be a topic for a whole other blog post.)

When I don't have the words to say to thank you, I am also thinking as a mother. Being a mother makes me think of your mother and of how proud of you she must be. Being a mother makes me think of how scared for you she also was or is. I am thinking as a wife. I am thinking of the things your wife endured while you served and how she wished she could share certain moments with you. I am thinking of my husband and how he tries to explain things to me, but also how he tries to protect me. How many times you must have hidden details in order to protect your loved ones. Thank you. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for your willingness to serve our country. Thank you for the world you have helped create for my boys (and God, help me if they follow in your boots). Thank you for the things I don't know how to say.

Oh, Boy

Dear Little Babe,

We had our gender and anatomy appointment about five weeks ago. We saw your stomach, bladder, every vertebra in your spine, your growing brain, and each chamber of your heart. You are fearfully and wonderfully made! Praise God for his intricate design for your life and for forming your tiny body. My favorite part of the appointment was when your dad and I saw the lenses of your eyeballs forming behind your closed eyelids. I could not help but wonder what color your eyes will be, and I cannot wait to look into them. You are absolutely amazing already. You seem to have taken after me with your yoga moves. You were so flexible and had your foot all the way up by your forehead. IMPRESSIVE! We also watched you poke yourself in the eye. It was pretty cute and hilarious. We understand that your eyes are still closed, so you couldn't see what you were doing, but it was funny, and we got a good chuckle about it. I know your hand-eye coordination will only improve, and I cannot wait to play catch with you.

By the way......we also saw your BOY PARTS. Holy cow. That really threw us off. We were expecting you to be a girl, but you are our sweet baby boy, our son. We are having a son! How crazy. Your dad and I had your name narrowed down to two different options, and we came right home to pick which one we felt was right for you. Two nights before our appointment, I had a dream that we found out you are a boy, and I started calling you Brantley Isaac without even running it by your dad. When we found out your gender, we just knew the name was right for you. Neither of us have met anyone named Brantley, which we love, because we have no positive or negative experiences related with your name and no memories of anyone else that come to mind when we say or hear your name--you are the only Brantley in our world, and we love that! We love the way Brant sounds as a shortened version of your name. Your middle name, Isaac, comes from the Old Testament. We love that it means laughter and that it is a reminder of God's fulfilled promise.

To be perfectly honest, when we found out we were having a son, I was in total shock for about three days. I even cried to Chris because I feel completely unprepared to be a mother to a little boy. I even said the words, "I've never been a boy!" while tears ran down my face. I'm certain your dad was happy to hear that, but I felt as if I have no clue how to raise you and that I would do a lousy job at it. The more I think about it, though, the happier and happier I get. I spent so much time at the ballfield as a kid, and I cannot wait to play catch with you and teach you how to swing a bat or field a bunt. Your dad is thrilled, and I already know you two are going to get yourselves into a lot of trouble with me.

We love you already, Brantley, and I am so thankful for the man who is your father. He will teach you how to be a gentleman, and he will do a great job at it.

The Friday after the appointment, our wonderful friend helped throw a gender reveal party at our house for you and our family here in Alaska. Here are a few pictures from that night.

Cupcake station, gummies, cotton candy

Pink and blue drinks with lips or mustache straws

Just a few wives tales

Pink and blue jolly rancher party favors in baby food jars

Some pictures of baby and the gender guesses

Hey, Babyyyy

 

WHOA, have there been some changes since I last posted. That was several months ago, though. That's my bad. I have been meaning to update the blog, then we found out about the baby, and I've been meaning to start a journal for Little Babe. I guess this will just become both.

Our sweet Little Babe, 

You are SUCH a blessing to us already. You are wanted and loved. Honestly, when I found out on Mother's Day that I was not pregnant, I cried a lot. I was so upset! Chris (your daddy) hugged me while standing in the living room in our Alaska home. I looked up at him through my tears and said, "Maybe by Father's Day." "Maybe," he replied as he held me. I was so very selfish to want to be made into a mother until it dawned on me. One of the biggest reasons I want to be a mother is to see your daddy as a father. It has been something he has looked forward to for several years, and he is just MADE for it. You and I are amazingly blessed that he is Daddy in this family. You seriously have one of the best already!

I found out I am pregnant with you on Monday, June 9th. Guess what-- Father's Day was only 6 days later. I think I took 10 home pregnancy tests. I just couldn't believe it. Finally, Sunday came around. I woke up, made breakfast and coffee, and poured a fresh cup of coffee into a mug that was made special for Chris. He loves local, handmade things, and he is obsessed with coffee. He loved the mug (and the bacon and eggs, of course). When he was almost finished with his coffee, I told him that the lady who made the mug wrote a message in the bottom of it. After his final sip of coffee, he looked down into the new mug and read the news, "I'm pregnant!" He was shocked and completely thrilled! He drank out of that mug the ENTIRE rest of the day. He also said, "wow" a whole lot. After how sad I was on Mother's Day, it was an even more amazing blessing to be able to love your daddy and focus on him on Father's Day instead of focusing on myself.

Since that day, things have been crazy. Your Pop and Uncle Jeff came up to Alaska to visit us. I think they had a good visit, but I was throwing up most of the time they were here. Haha! It's ok. You're worth it. We found an awesome "Made in Alaska" onesie for you while we were in Anchorage, and we decided to use that in our announcement photo. After your Pop and Uncle left, Chris and I took a short trip to Seward, Alaska to do some kayaking and hiking, and we were going to camp, but I wasn't feeling well. 

Here's a picture from the kayaking and hiking day. You didn't like the waves too much, and you let our tour group know it!

Today, we are 19 weeks and 1 day, which means less than a week until we are halfway through this pregnancy with you. Soon, we will know your gender. Your dad and I think you are a little girl, so please don't be upset with us if you're a boy. We will be completely thrilled either way, and we are thankful for every day we get to be your parents! We pray for you every day. Your daddy is in the field right now. He is in the Army and is a very awesome guy. You're going to love him! Anyway, when he gets home, we will find out your gender and will stop calling you Little Babe and will start calling you by your name. 

I'm getting sleepy, so I will be finished writing for now, but I will try to be better about writing to you. By the way, you already have your own precious tiny fingerprints. God is knitting you together perfectly in His image, and He already has a plan for your little life. We can't wait to see you grow as you learn more about Him and His love for you!!! 

Good night, my baby.

While You've Been Gone.

Most of my blog entries have meaning and purpose. This one is more just for me. Sorry for the late night greedy blogging. It has been a while since I've posted, and I'm due. Also, I want to remember how I spend my time while my husband is away (and we are childless) so I can look back on these times and see how things have changed.

Chris left last Friday morning for Cold Weather Leader Course (CWLC--because the Army loves acronyms). Everyone in his company had the day off because of bad winter weather, which means they got a 3-day weekend. He, however, had to be in bright and early to pick up his weapon and get on the bus. Thus began my alone-ness.

I have been searching for mistletoe to hang in our house for Christmas, but this town just has very limited options on just about anything you could look for or want. I was able to find a "kissing ball", and bought it the first day he was gone. It hasn't done me any good yet, so I don't know why I bought it, honestly. The day he left, I also bought yarn and knitting needles. I spent some time on YouTube learning how to knit. I got so wrapped up in my knitting that I didn't even want to leave the house for our church Christmas party that night, but I forced myself out. That's how old I am. Not really. I'm 26, but I felt like an 85 year old woman that night. Knit? Go to party? Knit? Go to party? It shouldn't have been a difficult decision, but I was busy throwing my own little knitting pity party for having to be alone. I was being very lame and ridiculous, obviously. After the Christmas party, I went with a friend and got my tragus pierced. It hurt really really badly. Ouch. I don't want to relive that anymore. Bottom line, I wanted to stay home and knit on a Friday night instead of going to a party. I went to church, then I left church and went to a tattoo parlor. Identity crisis much? This is a really boring post, and I'm dreadfully sorry if you are still reading. Feel free to be done with my pointless ramblings at any moment.

I also began reading a 500 page book. Well, the book is finished, and so is my first scarf. I'm sure you can take a stab at how I've been spending my alone time!

Some exciting things that have happened since Chris left:

• He borrowed someone's phone and called me, unexpectedly. 
• I have a new scarf.
• And a new piercing.
• Most of our SnapFish order arrived.
• I saw the Aurora Borealis really well for the first time.
• I went to North Pole, Alaska and met Santa.
• I ended up having girl talk until 4am with one of my new favorite people.
• I hung out with a new friend.

Some not-so exciting things that have happened since Chris left:

• The power has gone out for several hours. 
• Every item from our SnapFish order has my OLD last name on it--OOPS!
• I burnt my hand on our wood stove and sizzled off some skin.
• I have had a flat tire.
• I ate half of a squash for dinner (my appetite is weird and lame when he's away).
• I found out his company has not gone in to work 70% of the time he has been gone. 
• I have converted back to my insomniac ways (thus the 3am pointless blogging).

Another thing that has happened in the last week is that a friend challenged me to post random facts about mine and my husband's relationship. I never did that, so why not add them here.

1. I am a bigger football fan than he is.
2. Our first date was a shooting competition followed by steak dinner.
3. I cried every day for almost the entire first month of our marriage (moving to Alaska and not having a vehicle was hard--on top of adjusting to marriage and the Army!).
4. One of our first big newlywed fights was about pasta. HAHAHA!
5. I pick on Chris for having a spreadsheet for everything and doing complicated math problems for fun, but I secretly really like that about him.
6. We broke up right before Chris moved to Alaska because I was scared of how I felt for him, and it "didn't make sense" to be together. We didn't speak for over 2 months.
7. We were married less than 6 months when Chris lost his *second* wedding ring. I think it's funny.
8. Between meeting and getting married, we only lived in the same state for the first 2 months.
9. We were married for 99 days before our wedding.
10. We think about our future kids all the time. Both of us do--not just me! 

That's really all for now. I'll write a more meaningful post next. Promise. :)

Adoption

[If I actually keep this blog up over the years, this will more than likely be only the first of several adoption-related posts.]

Adoption is a word that has such depth of meaning every time I hear it. We all associate differently with this word...with this act. Some of you have been physically and legally adopted into a family here on this earth. For others, you may have been on the painful end of graciously giving your child up to be adopted by a family. Some of us have hearts for working in and for orphanages, and others may be feeling called to adopt. I know of people who have strong negative views on adoption because of pain they may have experienced through the process. What a range of emotions this word can cause!

Obviously (as with most things in life), I have my own opinions and thoughts about adoption, and I shared them with Chris the minute we started asking questions and weighing our potential future together. I knew that the man I would marry would need to support and come alongside my views on adoption, because it's more than a view--it's a calling by God Himself.

Every girl dreams of being a mother. I strongly believe that. For me, I started the silly little game of picking out names for my future children in middle school. (I don't like any of those names anymore, by the way, and, now, I have a husband that will actually play a part in what we do name them. I still throw names out to him at random to hear his thoughts, and we aren't trying to expand our family at the moment, either. Anyway...tangent over.) I did have one realization in middle school that has ALWAYS stuck. I don't want to adopt. I have to. When I was in seventh grade, God placed in my heart a passion for adoption that I cannot deny is from Him.

I obviously had several questions I wanted answered then, and some of them have been answered over time. When? From what country? How? What gender? How old?  ....WHY? Later, God revealed to me that I was to share the Gospel with a pregnant teen who was considering abortion, and that, through her decision to put the baby up for adoption, He would save more than just that child. I really feel that will be our baby. Who knew? God did. Before the beginning of creation! I hear so many people are called to adopt from other countries, and God has planned for us to adopt one from our own country. How cool is that? (We aren't looking yet into the process, but I hear it's a real doozie!)

The beauty of adoption is that it is a reflection of God's love for His people. Before He even knew me, He loved me. He adopted me. He called me HIS, and I became His daughter and part of an amazingly loving family.

Because adoption is so heavy on mine and my husband's hearts, we decided to start a tradition of adoption every year. We will soon begin researching different organizations and praying for clarity on where He wants our adoption focused over the next year. We may end up sending money to an orphanage in Haiti every month, we may be called to "adopt an organization" and donate monthly (ex: Children's Miracle Network, Teen Advisors, Wounded Warrior Project, St. Jude....), we may be called to sponsor a family who is in the process of raising funds for their own adoption. Who knows where God will lead us or how trying this may become for us financially. We are choosing to listen to and trust Him.

With the holidays around the corner, I would like to encourage you to pray over whether or not God is asking you to do something similar in 2014. I do know one thing: He wants us serving and loving others. Ask Him specifically how or where He wants you doing just that.

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27

Family Ties

For many, family is what you are born into. I was born into a family with a loving mother and father, my brother was born into a family with a mother, father, and awesome big sister. ;) Family structure and dynamics are so different for everyone. For example, my husband grew up the youngest child of three with two older sisters. He grew up very close (in proximity and in relationship) to his grandparents and aunts and uncles, as well. Most of who I call my family (at least before marriage) is not even related to me. They are aunts and uncles and cousins that have turned into family members. (That's always a potentially awkward conversation. "Hey....will you be my aunt?")

When I was a kid, I used to envy people who had grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family reunions. I would ask my parents why we didn't have those things. Then, when someone would get married or die and I was forced to be around the strangers who were related to me, I realized exactly why we didn't have family reunions and such. (Disclaimer: Some of them are great people that I simply never got to know well enough.) I am jealous of people who have relationships with their grandparents, and I cannot relate with the sadness and pain of having a grandparent die. Not to be cold-hearted, but my thoughts are generally, "Well, they are old, and they weren't your parents or anything." It's not that I don't care, but I do not, at all, understand the relationships people have with their families because I didn't have that.

As I got older, I learned that family is much more than relatives. I have SO many family members. It's unreal. I have married into a huge, loving, giving family. It's almost overwhelming. My immediate family is my dad and my brother. Chris' immediate family is his mom, dad, two sisters, each of their husbands, and 6 nieces and nephews. Whoa! I also married into an even larger family--the Army family.

Within the Army family, I have met some nice sisters, but most of them have moved away already. I know I will meet more and more of my Army family as I transition into my role as an FRG leader. Our husbands train together, they will deploy together, we will move and grow and deal with the commissary being shut down together. We understand staff duty and late nights. We understand missing our husbands (to an extent--I'm still new at this!). We understand the uncertainty of schedules, and we know just how frustrating it can be when our husbands are packing the night before going into the field. All of these things help us better relate to one another, and they bond us together on a level that most civilians do not understand.

My favorite family, however, is none of those. Sorry if you're in one of those categories....but you could be in this next one, too, so don't go off and cry just yet. My favorite family is my Christian family. My church family. Some of my family members, 'adopted' family, and Army family fit into this category. The Army family is big, yes, but the family I have as a believer in Christ is bigger. I feel more like I belong and more like I am a part of something wonderful when I remember that I am part of THIS family. We are more open, honest, and real with each other than any other family. We share our hearts, our stories, our passions, our fears, our gifts. We share the same savior. We share the same story of redemption regardless of how it is told or the details in between "I suck" and "But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us.."

Bottom line is this: I love my family. I am so grateful and blessed beyond measure to have been born again into a family of more than just a mom and a dad, more than just the family I gained through marriage, more than the family I gained through the Army. Thank you, Father, for loving your children and for calling us Yours!

Aloe and Army

The Army lifestyle is still so new to me. I am learning more and more about myself as I discover more about the Army and have "firsts" as an Army wife. There have been several firsts so far, and there are many to come! I made my first out-of-state move. We went to our first brigade ball together. We experienced field training exercises (FTX) for the first time as a married couple. We have had staff duty dates, and I went to my first ceremony for him. I made my first military spouse friend AS a military spouse.

When Chris and I first got married, we only had one vehicle. That meant I was 'stranded' at the house most days. When Chris' platoon sergeant's wife heard I was at the house alone (and newly married and in a brand new state) without a vehicle, she quickly found me on Facebook and messaged me. She decided she would welcome me to the Army by coming to my rescue. Brooke knew little to nothing about me, my interests, my heart...but she cared about me, because, like her, I am an Army wife. I went with her on her grocery errands, then we went to lunch together with her almost three year old. Did I mention Chris and I had just gotten married? Well, we had. But, what we hadn't done yet was get me a debit card. I had NO money to pay for lunch. She ended up picking up two T(t)abs that day....oops!

Not only was Brooke the first person to make me feel welcome here, she was also the first Army friend I have had PCS on me. She is now back down in the lower 48, and I'm somewhat jealous of that. While she and I did not have every little thing in common, she taught me a lot about being a wife, a mother, and a supporter of the US Army. We also didn't hang out or get to know each other as much as I would have liked to. Those few months really crept up on us, but I am so far beyond grateful for her friendship. A few days before she left, I went to her house to say goodbye. There were boxes everywhere, and it all became so real. This is what it's like every three years or so in this lifestyle--they give you some papers and pack up all your stuff. She gave me some items the movers couldn't pack, and, with a hug, smile, and some last-minute marriage advice, that was that.

She gave us her aloe plant. It sounds stupid, but that plant represents a lot to me. It represents growing friendship. It represents reaching out to someone you don't even know. When you have a hurt, you can tear a piece off the plant and rub it on a cut or burn, and that reminds me that the relationships I have and will make in the Army will always be beneficial regardless of the pain. It also reminds me that I have been given a gift, and that I can pass that down to the next lonely, new Army wife, and I cannot help but wonder who I will leave the same aloe plant with two years from now.

God has us just where we are for a reason. Nothing is a mistake. Make memories. Reach out to people. Look through their eyes and into their hearts. Use this opportunity while you have it, because you may not have it long. Realize your blessings and be grateful for them.