In the past 5 years...

I cannot believe that tomorrow (24 August 2013) will be five years since my mom went Home. Five years! I still remember promising her that I would be holding her hand walking her straight up to Heaven's gates when the time came. I still remember keeping that promise. I was at her bedside on her right, Jeff on her left, and Dad at her feet. The room was filled with the faces of angels--our family and friends from church literally singing praises all around us as her spirit took flight out of this world. I remember going numb. I had a couple days to prepare for it, but nothing can prepare you for losing your mother, best friend, role model. I remember running through the crowd of people in her room as my heart began to swell up in my throat. I flung the door open, darted down the hallway, and found a spot on the wall to slide down--just in time for the tears to flood out.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THAT MOMENT.

I graduated college.

Kennesaw State University B.S. in Psychology

A couple times.

Columbus State University M.Ed in School Counseling

I counseled children.
I tried new things.

I made stupid decisions.
I gained and lost friends.
I ate a lot of Thai food.

I got 2 new tattoos.

I started doing yoga

and I've been to lots of Braves games

I got engaged.

Crouch N Crase Photography

And married.

I moved to Alaska. Can you believe that?!

We got to have a real wedding!

We honeymooned in Jamaica.

snorkeling

As you can see, so, so much has happened and changed in your little girl's life since you've been gone. You gave me life on this earth, but the One who has given us eternal life is all around and is living inside me. Thank you for your example of how to live every day to its fullest. Thank you for your silly sayings. I find myself getting more and more like you. I am excellent at finding bargains, and I know you would be proud. I've become a good cook--at least that's what Chris says. Mom--you would love him! He is so patient and kind and hard-working. He is adventurous. You two would have really hit it off. You two never met each other, but he knows you through the stories I tell and through my heart. Even he misses you, and it breaks my heart. He wishes he could have met you. Dad and Jeff are doing well. I think they wish I were closer to home, even though Jeff would never say so. You would be so amazed at how much Dad has broken out of his shell. He is like a whole new man, and God has really impacted others through their interaction with him. It's still hard to talk to him about girl things, but I have been given an excellent mother-in-law and two sister-in-laws. They are great! I miss you. I think about you every day.

All these things that have happened since you've been gone....at one point, I felt like they could never happen--like you were supposed to be there for all of them or else they couldn't happen (except the honeymoon. that would be super weird!). But, they did happen, and so will the next big adventures. Life doesn't have to stop because you're gone, and it hasn't. I know there are more times to come that I will feel like you have to be there for, but God gives us just what we need to get by and then some. He continues to comfort me through the years, and He has blessed me tremendously. We miss you so much and cannot wait to worship Him forever with you, but we will enjoy living this life every day until we get there. Thank you for the example you set of a Christian wife, mother, and friend. Oh, and we're going out shopping for deals and eating Italian tomorrow in your memory!

I am forever your Punkin Doodle.
I love you, Mom.

Who am I?

Each of us have so many labels. Some of them are given by others, some by society, some by geographic location, physical appearance, up-bringing, sports team affiliation, which hand we write with....the list could go on and on forever. We even have some labels we give to ourselves. Some of my labels are Army wife, daughter, sister, friend, Southerner, former athlete, meat-eater, brunette, perfectionist, and many, many other things. These labels tell people about me, but my favorite label I have been given...well, it actually isn't about me at all, and I wasn't given it by society. I did not choose this label. I have this label because someone chose me.

Redeemed.

Yep. That's right. My favorite label was given to me by Christ because of who HE is, and, really, that is who I want to be. That is the thing I want to represent. That is what I want people to see in me. Not that I have brown hair or glasses, and not that I know more about football than 95% of the men who live in Alaska. I don't want to be known for what my husband does. I want to be known by what Christ did for me. He lived the life I could not live, died the death I deserved, and conquered sin and death. He paid my way and set me free!

For me, these Bible verses about redemption were written on my brain at a very early age. I was constantly memorizing scripture for class and for Sunday school. I was the good little "Christian" girl with all the right answers. Man....I. Was. Good. I did the church thing methodically (and that's not just a play on words because I was raised Methodist). Even once I got to college, I went to church because that was what I knew. It felt good to praise and worship the God I knew made me and died for me. It felt good to fellowship with other people my age who knew all the same songs and verses as I did. It felt comfortable to continue going through the motions, because it made sense to me. How could it not make sense? I mean--hello! It's what I was told for 20 years. Of course it made sense. And there my religion was. In my head and in my actions.

Just before I turned 21, my mom passed away of cancer after only battling for 8 short months. During her battle, God told me she would be okay. How stupid of me to believe Him, right? Okay? She's not okay--she's dead! Oh, I was furious. I was confused. I was scared and hurt. I half-way turned to all the Bible verses on comfort I knew, and the other half turned toward comfort in my newly acquired legal fun. (I know my dad is probably going to read this, and he may be ashamed of me, but there has to be darkness for the brilliance of the Light to be made known!) I cannot tell you the moment when all of my years of head-knowledge and going through the motions finally hit my heart, because, honestly, it didn't really happen that way. I can, however, tell you the exact moment God took my head-knowledge and slowly, lovingly, started kneading it into my heart. It started one Sunday morning when I was 7 minutes late to church. I felt like death and probably smelled like a brewery. I sat there in the pew thinking, "After last night, I can't believe I'm only 7 minutes late. I'm so proud of myself! I'm so...what? I'm proud of myself??? For what?! Are you serious right now?"

After that moment, God has been working my heart. When I read scripture, hear the testimonies of my new brothers and sisters, sing praises.....it stirs my soul! The news of the Gospel causes me to cry. It makes me speechless. It makes me marvel at who God is and what He has done! I still battle with my flesh and my selfishness every single day, whether it's with pride, laziness, ungratefulness..the list could continue, but God has mercy and love that we cannot fathom. He has redeemed me.

The day I was baptized

Ephesians 2: 1-10
"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and we were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved--and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

looking forward to

My friend, Elisa, and I thought it would be fun to start a blog challenge. This challenge consists of determining topics we would like to write about, writing about them, and comparing our similarities, differences, and different perspectives or interpretations of that topic. I'm very excited about this, because I will be learning more about the heart and mind of my dear friend as this challenge unfolds. 

Ok, I won't delay any longer. The first topic is "something you are looking forward to", and, without hesitation, I knew what I would want to write about. As I thought more about it over the past day or so, I thought it may be wise to change my "what I'm looking forward to", because I didn't want people giving me a hard time or putting their opinion out there, but--whatever. This is something that is special to me, and it has been for as long as I can remember. Fiiiine. I'll say it...geesh! I'm looking forward to starting a family. 

Chris and I did just get married, and we are very much still getting to know each other. We are finding new things every day that we admire and respect about each other, and we also, occasionally, find things about each other (and ourselves!) that require more work and patience. I'm not going to get into family planning here. That is between me and him, but it is also entirely based on God's perfect timing and plan for our future and for our family. 

When I was a little girl, I was given a babydoll. Her name was Courtney, and she went everywhere with me. I dragged her around by her arms and legs, and she had several emergency surgeries to re-attach her limbs (thanks, Mom!). She has been chewed on by dogs, has had her head frozen, has had food shoved into her mouth. Needless to say, I pray I'm nothing like the mom I was when I was 3 years old! But, nurturing....that's what women are born with. We want to love and care for, and we want to be loved in return. We want to know we are important, and we want to feel needed. When my brother was born, I was practically glued to my mom's side "helping" her with everything. I'm sure I was just getting in the way, but I was very proud of my earned nickname "Mommy #2". 

There are so many reasons I look forward to being a mother, and I know it is a TON of responsibility, but...wow. I mean. Just wow. There is so much beauty in a family who is seeking Christ and seeking to demonstrate the goodness of Christ to their children. There are so many things I look forward to with my future family. I look forward to reading bedtime stories. I look forward to hearing them laugh. I look forward to making homemade lemonade in the summers and peeking out the window to watch my husband wrestling with them in the yard. I look forward to developing family traditions, and also to passing down existing ones. I look forward to all of this and so much more. 

One of the main reasons I look forward to being a mom sounds really simple. I look forward to being a mom because it means my husband has become a father. I know that is something he very much desires, and I cannot wait (well, I can wait...it's just an expression) to bring him that joy. You should see the look in his eyes when he plays with our nieces and nephews. It's amazing, and I will get to see that look every day he is home with us. He will teach them so many amazing qualities without even knowing it, because they will be watching him and learning from one of the best. He will make ridiculous faces at them, and he will sing them silly songs. He will show them what it means to love a woman and how a woman should be treated. 

God knows the plan for our family, and His plan is good and will be made known at the exactly the right time. In the mean time, we will work on being a better uncle and aunt to six pretty stellar kiddos who live wayyy too far away, and we will repeat the funny things they say to us months later just to get a good laugh. Those kids are awesome, but we don't have to change diapers, and we can give them back when they cry, which is a pretty sweet deal for now, if you ask me! 

        Billy: "Ohhh....I saw that!"

        Logan: "Billy, when you get a girlfriend, you'll kiss her, too. It's not a big deal!"

        Alivia: "Uncle Chris wants to marry you--that's the secret."

        Caitlin: "I thought the whole Army got into a spaceship to go to Alaska."

        Shelby: "Can I visit Uncle Chris and Aunt Tabitha in Alastica?"

        Blake: [insert cute baby noises and blowing us kisses]

On our wedding day with our six nephews and nieces

For my friends reading this who are on their way to becoming parents, I am so thrilled for you. What a privilege and a joy to bring a life into the world or to add to your family through adoption. I pray prayers of blessing over you, and I pray that you live in a way that demonstrates God's love to your children. I pray that you will seek Him as a family and that you see His blessings in every situation.

Blessings

This past Wednesday, I was pretty convicted of some sins I have been struggling with the past few months. We were talking about blessings in our small group. What are blessings? How can we bless others? How do you define blessing? What are things in your life that are blessings that you may not see as such? Man. That last question really got me. I have been so....grumbly lately. I have been beyond blessed these past 4 months, but I seem to only be harping on the things I consider to be so negative, and those negative things are worldly! UGH. I hate my sin nature. I hate complaining about all the things I can't do and all the stuff I don't have.

I am definitely a product of The South. I love being a Southern girl, and I love what comes with that. I have been raised in a very humid climate, and now I am living in one of the driest places on the planet. Instead of being thankful for being away from the humidity, I complain about how much I miss it and about how dry it is here. I grew up watching the Braves, and, since I've been older, I have gone to several Braves games a year. I miss Turner Field. I miss going to Braves games on a whim. I miss taking day trips with my friends to The Ted and chopping til we drop. Another passion of mine is UGA football. Now that we are in kickoff month, I cannot help but want to be in Athens or want to get together with friends and family to watch the games. I have been watching Georgia football games with my dad since I was 5 days old. He taught me how to say "Go Dawgs!". I am complaining that I will have to watch the noon games at 8am Alaska time....why am I so ungrateful?

Instead of being thankful for this great adventure, I find myself almost looking for ways to compare it to "back home". Come on, Tab. Alaska is your home now. Where God sends you is home. Where you and your husband are--that is home. Sure, my heart will always long for The South and my comfort there, but Paul wrote from jail that he has learned to be content whatever the circumstances. And I cannot find a way to be content and excited for my new life in Alaska? That's garbage. This is SUCH an opportunity to grow in so many ways, but to also not keep it all to myself. This Army way of life is an opportunity to love greatly and witness boldly...to practice patience and faithfulness and resiliency...to impact the lives of others for The Gospel. Ha. And I'm complaining because why?? We hiked to a glacier on Saturday, and I found myself occasionally wondering the score of the Braves game instead of worshiping and being in complete awe of the works of my Creator. Umm--ALASKA IS BEAUTIFUL, AND MY GOD IS EVEN MORE LOVELY THAN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE!

While I was struggling with this whole complaining thing, my husband asked me to help him with some shingling up on the roof last night. I grumbled to myself and put it off for a few minutes thinking, "I really just want to blog about how blessed I really am, and he wants me to help with the stupid roof..." Wow. Reality check! So, there I went, up to the roof. I was prepping the shingles so Chris could lay them (we are a great team). The first part of my time, I mumbled under my breath about how awful shingle prep was and how much I hated it.....then God lovingly slapped me across the face and said, "WAKE UP, TABITHA. I HAVE PROVIDED YOU WITH A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. PREP THE DANG SHINGLES!" Ok, so maybe those weren't His words exactly, but close enough. Boom. That finally did it. Ha. I can be so stubborn. What a sinful fool to complain about working on our roof when there are people all over the world who will never sleep under a roof a day in their lives.

God, thank you for my blessings. Thank you for the adventure of marriage. Thank you for the adventure of Alaska. Thank you for your creation. Thank you for loving me despite my sin nature, and thank you for seeing me through the cleansing blood of your Son. (And thank you for allowing me to be born in The South and that my baseball and football teams are awesome!)